Background Information: The following was written on election day of November 2020. Misinformation throughout the country was at a peak. I experienced an ideation of self harm from viewing the coldness of which former friends used their platforms on social media to gleefully mock and wish harm upon those who would dare to hold an opinion that differed from their own.
As I read about the pilgrimage of another as they attempt to rediscover if there is any need for faith or belief in the Church or God Himself, I cannot help but come to terms with my own inner conflict that I no longer believe in the need for Church. And the even larger inner tension that I am not even sure if I believe in God anymore. But, then again, God does not need me to believe in Him for Him to exist.
I cannot bring myself to say there is no God. I believe that there exists something that is beyond the understanding of our human capabilities. Perhaps a universal life force that connects all of us together through our shared humanity and within creation that surrounds us? Perhaps it is the Christian God? Perhaps it is nothing more than neurons firing in my brain in interpretation of various signals sent from throughout my body as I experience the world around me? Perhaps it is a little bit of this and a little bit of that?
I do think I agree with Nietzsche’s statement that ‘God is dead, God remains dead and we have killed him.’ Or perhaps in my experience it would be more accurate to say the church has killed Him.
These conclusions have been a long time coming and are not said lightly. For all my life I have participated in church, most of the time feeling wholly rejected by those who claimed to be my fellow brothers and sisters in Christ. In reflecting on my own journey of faith, I have found that I generally flow between three different states, all of which exist within me, the only variance being the degree to which they are present at any given time.
Believer, Agnostic and Atheist.
I became a believer at birth, and I was raised in the faith. I was confirmed in the church and found it to be a respite from childhood stressors and trauma. I enjoyed the intellectual debates I had with many a Sunday School teacher until late adolescence. But as I became more aware of the world around me, the church seemed ill-equipped to handle the complexities of helping the less fortunate and uninterested in my personal struggles to reconcile the words of my faith with my own experiences.
Yet, I stayed in the church. I adopted a form of detached agnosticism. I believed in God, and Jesus and the Holy Spirit. I believed good morals and good work led to a fairly happy life. I was (and still am) open to others religious experiences and took advantage of opportunities to learn more about the other great religions of the word.
During the years that agnosticism reigned over faith and non-belief, the church did not seem to change much other than to become more closed, more hurtful, more like a country club whose membership was only open to a select few. The doubts of the existence of God never left me but neither did the love I felt from a Creator God.
An awakening of my soul led to a strong period of belief. The doubts never left, but I could embrace them and find the light of goodness within them. I found God and experienced Him to be real. The God of the Christian church was too small to capture what it is to be in the heart of God and He in me. I cannot deny this experience, nor do I have any care to.
But now, I find myself moving into unknown territory. The idea that there is no such thing as God has always existed in my mind. It is a thought I have considered several times over the journey of my own faith but it is not a thought that has ever dominated my beliefs.
But now, but now…but now, perhaps? Perhaps now is the season to allow that thought to lead my life? I have lived my life as a believer. I have lived my life as an agnostic. I think now is the time to live my life as an atheist.
Why now though?
Why not now?
I have never in my life felt more rejected by the church and those who claim to know God. Even to admit I have the doubts I do would bring me scorn by many in the church. But I do not imagine I will be a very good atheist as I cannot bring myself to conclusively say God is not real. Perhaps, I simply lack the courage to make such a conviction? Then again, I was never a very good believer or a very good agnostic either because I never had the conviction to be able to say ‘this’ is what I believe without doubt to be true.
But I am willing to say that the god of my childhood is dead. He has been killed by the church. The wonderful experience of god I felt as a child as a respite from the pain in my life is gone. He has been killed by the church.
The god of my adolescence is dead. The unconditional love of god I felt as an adolescent as I struggled through deep confusion over my identity is now gone. He has been killed by the church.
The god of my adulthood is dead. The overwhelming joy for god I felt as an adult as I sought him more earnestly than ever before is gone. He has been killed by the church.
After years and years of trying to argue (mostly within myself) otherwise, I recently accepted that the church is bullshit. I still believe this to be true. My opinion has not changed in the months since. If anything, my convictions are stronger.
I have watched my wife rejected and ridiculed by the same people who the day before would have sung her praises to the highest heavens. I have felt the most intense desire of my life to end it after observing an interaction between two in esteemed standing in my church as they once again denigrated the values of others in cruel mockery on social media. I have seen repeatedly the selfishness and ignorance of church goers who value liberty over sacrifice.
I have heard frequently from the pulpit that I am the source of all that is wrong in me and in the world, that if I only tried harder, if I only did what was right more, if I followed the recipe, then everything would be better. I know the failings of my life, yet for some reason the church insists on reminding me of them often like I could somehow forget them.
I have not attended church in-person in months and the only difference I can see in my life is, I have more time to spend with my family and friends during the week. I have more time to think and more time to work on myself and my relationship with those who I hold most dear (one of whom is still God.) I have found more happiness in my work and in my life with others. I have felt more painful depression but more certainty that it will be overcome.
In the summer, I did not know the implications for me of rejecting the church but now I think I do. The church killed god in me and for me. God is dead. I do not live for myself, nor do I live to bring others to my way of thinking. I live to find my way to a God that is no longer dead, a God that is alive and in whom I have a place.
Right now, that is the journey for me. If that journey ends in failure, in wholesale rejection of the existence of God for me then so be it. Fuck that other noise.
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