In a podcast the other day, I heard it said it is important to be willing to be polarizing - to speak out of who you truly are rather than in a way which never offends the sensibilities of anyone. I realized immediately I have been afraid to be polarizing. While I have zero interest in being offensive, I do desire to speak honestly and to advocate and work for causes which align with my beliefs. I cannot do so in hiding, so in the spirit of freedom and honesty, I sat down recently to write these words which reveal some of the more polarizing parts of who I am.
"I am really friendly, but not quite tame." -Dr. Clarissa Pinkola Estés
I got in my car and began driving home. The conversation had ended civilly enough, and I could just about feel myself being rocked back into that dreamy stupor. The stupor where I live hunched over, believing I am standing up straight. The stupor where I am told “this is your place” and I am convinced it must be so.
Maybe it was all the mindfulness work I had been doing or maybe I had reached the point where I had simply had enough, but whatever it was, it was the moment I decided I was done. With all the grace I could muster, with tears and heartbreak, I laid down my place in a home I had long known to venture into a land where the sky is the ceiling.
Freedom is a scary thing. The temptation to pretend the cage still exists is real. For so long, I have hidden my true self from the world, so afraid to be known. I have lived a restricted version of my life for nearly 37 years. Far too often I have kept a veil in place for fear of rejection, afraid to lose my place in my community.
What is community though, if not a place where you are loved for who you are – for exactly who you are? This new phase of life is teaching me the only community I truly need is the one who will love me, exactly as I am.
As best I can, I have loved and accepted the people around me, even when I disagree or feel hurt by the words or actions of others, and I will continue to love, even if I cannot be loved by everyone. So I will speak, with all the love and grace within me.
Here are the many polarizing shades of who I am.
I support Black Lives Matter.
I support the LGBTQIA community.
I do not like guns.
I give cash to people who stand at the intersection asking for money.
I am not a Trump supporter.
I wonder about how a Bible written by men, canonized by men, and mostly interpreted by men may have restricted women, children, and minorities from being fully alive.
I believe no individuals need live restricted by any specified notions of gender.
I love God, believe Jesus brought radical freedom to all people, and that too many Christian men in power have consciously and unconsciously been fighting to keep patriarchy in place ever since.
I have found deep healing, freedom, and life in varied Buddhist teachings and practices.
I am not sure what happens to us when we die.
I don’t think I believe in an eternal hell anymore.
I believe being open-minded is more important than being right.
I do not believe manipulation, guilt, shame, fear, bullying or force should ever be used to convert or change another person.
I do not believe people or relationships should ever be used as a means. Ever.
I believe every single person matters and is beautiful.
This is me.
There is, of course, so much more to me, but this is the me I have been afraid to show. I have couched my fear in the disguise of love and thus deceived myself into believing I keep this part of me hidden for the sake of others.
But underneath the guise of love, my haunted friend Fear lies in the shadows. Fear of rejection. Fear of not being enough.
I want to thank my friend Fear, for his service to me all these years. He has protected me from wounds I could not bear until I was healed enough to let him go free.
And so, I release all the gripping which rounded my shoulders and removed my smile and gently allow what will be, to be.
"This above all: to thine own self be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man.
Farewell, my blessing season this in thee!"
-William Shakespeare
I am aware of the intensity of this post and many of my others. It is funny because in a sense, releasing words of such seriousness opens space for me to be more free and joyful. Learning to integrate and include the lighter and fun-loving side of my voice is a new challenge I hope to embrace as I learn to speak out of who I truly am - the serious and lighthearted alike.
Now that I have ripped off the awkward band-aid of the more polarizing sides of who I am, in my next posts I will share about making a move from "Living in Uncertainty" to "Paewr Yoga," what kind of work I hope to do, and why.
Until next time, may you find your center, in darkness and in light,
Jen
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