“Releasing attachment reduces burn-out.”
It seems the only way to learn this lesson is the hard way. I learned this lesson the hard way.
#Burnout often comes when personal fulfillment requires results. When I pour myself into a project, a relationship, a company, etc. and do not see desired outcomes, I am crushed.
After six years working closely with individuals in social services, I did not know if I made any significant difference in anyone’s life. With time, I realized the results were of little consequence. All that mattered was showing up, showing love, and doing my best in each present moment.
I exited those six years of work burnt out. With time I came to appreciate the value of each moment where I showed up and poured out love. With time, I realized acting in love and doing the right thing matter not because of the outcomes these actions will bring but because each person and each moment matter. I have been on this journey of releasing attachment to outcomes for about six years now, and I still have a long way to go. I have progressed but am still on the journey.
This past week I began #YogaTeacherTraining. One of the instructors spoke about releasing attachments, of showing up in the present moment, of doing small actions with heart. I resonated with her words because they spoke to my 12-year journey in professional serving positions, but as I let the words go deeper, I discovered a hidden truth.
There is perhaps a deeper need within me – deeper than my need to release attachment to outcomes, the need to release attachment to my feelings.
Three years ago, I began a master’s program in #SpiritualFormation. I soon realized my primary desire from the program was discovering a definite path to full life. Within the first class, our professor assured us this program was so much more than learning and doing spiritual disciplines. That program changed my life, but I did not walk away with a clearly defined path for coming alive. In fact, after I completed the program, I watched my spiritual discipline practices drop off substantially.
Turns out there were bigger issues at play in my life than the lack of a defined regimen of spiritual practices. For starters, I discovered I have been wrestling with unseen OCD tendencies and anxiety my entire life. By itself this was quite illuminating, and for awhile I thought dealing with OCD and anxiety would be a fix revolutionizing my life. When I first began tackling #OCD and #anxiety, I was full of adrenaline and consumed information faster than I could digest it. I felt alive, finally moving toward my purpose in life.
I was dumbfounded when this initial excitement dropped off and left me wrestling with the same feelings of despair, discouragement, frustration, anger, resentment, depression, purposelessness, and low energy I had been battling prior to realizing my OCD/anxiety tendencies. Simply put, I was burnt out. Once again, I was burnt out.
Earlier this week I heard the words “releasing attachment reduces burn-out.” I sat outside, holding my yoga book open without reading it. I just sat there while something stirred inside me, and slowly the dots began to connect.
I have an attachment to my feelings, and perhaps this attachment is even stronger than the attachment I have had to the outcomes of my work.
Toward the end of the Spiritual Formation program, I came across the Prayer of Welcoming which is a way to accept and welcome as a divine gift the feelings we feel in our bodies. I was drawn to this prayer, but I did not yet have the language to understand why it drew me. Additionally, as part of my OCD/anxiety treatment, I am trying to learn and practice #mindfulness, but with this missing piece of my story, the practice has been hit and miss.
As I sat outside and for the first time saw the attachment I hold to my feelings, a new piece of my story fell into place. I am attached to my feelings, and I am judgmental of my feelings. Undefined but powerful, the expectation that certain actions will lead to certain feelings has often left me feeling angry and hopeless.
I showed up and did the thing that was supposed to give meaning to my life, so why do I feel despair?
I put in the work crafting a wonderful event enjoyed by many, so why do I feel depressed?
I have the time to complete this project, so why do I have no energy or motivation to do so?
I sought God with everything I had, so why do I feel such nothingness?
On and on and on go the unspoken cries. Attachment, not simply to outcomes, but to feelings. Deep inside the longing to feel fully alive presses away the darkness which threatens to deaden my soul begging an important question, one I dare to ask and embody:
Can fullness of life be found in the dark?
I rail against those feelings which come unbidden, screaming “you are not welcome here! I do not want you here! What is this life if you are here? Please just go away.”
What will happen if I release attachment to my feelings? What will happen if I let them come, let them stay? What will happen if I feel my feelings and do not bid them leave?
Releasing the anger I point at myself for not cultivating all those wonderful feelings all the time.
Releasing expectation of finding a path of minimal darkness. Accepting where I am. Accepting what I feel.
I wonder what peace I will there find.
And so, with this new piece of the story now put into language, I set out with a new intention. As far as I am able, I release attachment to my feelings. When they come, I will sit with them and feel them fully. I will do what is good and loving, with the fullness of my whole heart, and let whatever feelings come, come.
Until next time, may God hold us close, in darkness and in light,
Jen
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